Happy new year! Did you sleep well? Most people I know spent their time on NYE of 2018–in bed. Who can blame them? I, for one wanted to start my year, calmly, collectedly and with a focus on bringing in a fresh start with surrendered and accepting conviction. A knowing, a sense of ease from throughly understanding me and the people I come into contact with. I wanted to understand our world.

It’s easy to ask questions. What do I want for 2019? What are my new goals? And while it’s healthy to keep moving forward, I felt the need to spend the time regressing into what ultimately was embedded in my subconscious. My questions were more like, “What truly transpired and where are my feelings coming from?” Why am I and how now?

I spent much of 2018, removing myself from distractions. Detaching was a courageous act that most people cannot seem to fathom. For various reasons of feeling “left out” or feeling painfully lonesome, most choose to carry on even it means losing themselves further. It’s also been often said that we are social beings and that isolation is unhealthy. To that I say, we are never isolated in the spiritual sense. I have no fear of solitary romping because spiritually, I am never disconnected. Even when dining alone, I am still surrounded by the immediate energy around me.

I stayed on my own often. My youngest of three sons left home to move into his newly acquired house, and it’s been five years since my husband and I separated after thirty five years of being in what I thought was in the one flesh (and mind) with him. Purging was a word that I used but it sill wasn’t the best at describing the level by which I was truly entrenched. Perhaps, it was the right word. Only this was with a willingness to be in consistent meditation.

The best way I can describe my journey in 2018 was a commitment I consciously gave to spiritually, emotionally, mentally and lastly, physically, clean house. I’m only just beginning with the physical part, even although I traveled to Turks & Caicos twice, last year– my favorite place of soulful connection with nature, where I walked, swam and ate beautifully. I haven’t truly begun that part with all seriousness I need to properly give it; but it was a start that gave me balance. A deeper consideration and look at who or what mattered gave priority and credence to my personal values. And in this case, it was me. I was the personal value. It not only determined me all over again but strengthened who I was–for a new “AM” to emerge with self assured knowledge. That was the goal.

When I was in my thirties, I remember someone saying to me, “You’re so sure of yourself!” as if that was a defect. I remembered thinking, “Funny, I’m only sure that God loves me.” That self assuredness was coming from spiritual comfort being given to the way I was, based on my faith. I was accepted by my God as right, and this later gave insight to the way religion, when taken to the extreme, can dangerously divide instead of inspire, not so much tolerance but respect. I don’t believe in tolerating wrong. One can go on living this way, but I was a curious one, insistent on making sense of more. Making sense of the other. And I think I’ve been on that quest since.

Knowledge and wisdom take their time in the self’s ingenuity. Life will show you things when you’re ready.  So be kind to yourself when you find that you’re unable to make sense of something. Know that the soul knows how to heal itself, in full acceptance of who you are, remembered and forgotten. But if you’re anything like me…I wanted to know.

“Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.”
~The Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann~

I found that self assured knowledge can only be obtained by collective consciousness of thoroughly understanding human nature: the mind of man operating from an unconscious level as opposed to one who is conscious and awakened by his truth, thereby understanding others in their own stories. The goal is to then consciously and eventually, subconsciously enlighten our load. In my quest to be better integrated with my whole self–seeking to be sort of reborn as a child of God in lightheartedness, I learned that enlightenment is not a light bulb that goes on in knowing it all, but the enlightenment of the load we carry in the poignant shift that takes place when we finally understand the why, not just of ourselves but others, and ultimately being able to forgive.

Everything that has an effect has a cause. There is a reason to why one has a need to do certain things. Even in the need to give. The need to succeed, for example, is either driven by sheer survival, conditioning or fueling by an ego painfully born by altercation or transformation by circumstance. There is a reason to all the whys. The objective is to eventually know the hows of navigating ourselves through an imperfect world that ultimately needs compassion. Above it all, if we look for the truth of what we need to give to in places or people we might find most challenging, we may finally release ourselves from the hold that it places on us. In my case, I asked. I needed to know. And in the end, I found there is no more to blame than the next person leading to the next, because something infinitely becomes a truth passed on from whence and around–generation after generation. That is what it means to be a part of oneness.

To be the change we want to see, we must be willing to choose growth. Growth is change. And I’m not talking about advocacy anchored in rebellious nature of making a change. That kind is unstably built from a transfer of aggression that fails to see what needs to be silently acknowledged, understood and forgiven. Activism to me applied in hostility is often just misplaced fury. Yet, where do we begin, especially with the youth? The answer is with us. You begin with you, thereby you can offer more love, especially to the young ones who are tomorrow’s future.

“Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find.
Knock and the door will be opened to you.”
~Matthew 7:7, Holy Bible~

I wish you all wellness and joy that comes from every little expression of beauty –whether by a child, or by anything that might inspire you to love further. Use your heart to see better and hear better, to help create a wonderful and sensible world for yourself and others. Don’t just make a difference. Make a conscious difference built on true and compassionate understanding of yourself and others. The reassuring comfort that comes with it will give you resilience and longevity that will make you sleep at night like a baby, weightless in slumber–truly enlightened.

Cheers!

Happy 2019!

January 5, 2019
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